It’s brainy, articulate, and financially successful, but don’t be fooled. The LSAT would be a crappy valentine.

Here are a few reasons why the LSAT should stay at home by itself on February 14.

Why the LSAT is a Terrible Valentine I: It won’t make you feel pretty

At the start of your date, the LSAT will ask to see your photo ID and a horribly bland recent passport photo of you. No matter how gussied up you got that night, it will only think of you as you look in the fluorescent lighting of these somber bureaucratic snapshots.

Why the LSAT is a Terrible Valentine II: It is inappropriate

The LSAT will make you pay no less than $165 for this night of romance, and it will make you swear never to repeat anything it says to another living person. If that doesn’t make you feel dirty, well…

Why the LSAT is a Terrible Valentine III: It is a poor conversationalist

During dinner, the LSAT will dominate conversation by showing off its knowledge of 19th century British feminists and medieval marriage practices. And you can’t just pretend to listen to its lengthy explication of Navajo weaving, because when it’s done it will demand that you repeat its main point and a few choice details.

Why the LSAT is a Terrible Valentine IV: It is not a foodie

Nothing spells romance like Gatorade, a banana, and an energy bar. There will be no Chez Panisse if you link arms with the LSAT on Valentine’s Day. Your culinary delight will be restricted to whatever you can fit inside of a Ziploc bag.

Why the LSAT is a Terrible Valentine V: It has only one thing on its mind

You guessed it: logic. While you’re innocently describing the hilarious shenanigans your cat gets into, the LSAT will be analyzing your every word for rational consistency. Hasty generalization, it will think to itself as you politely thank it for the “best date ever.”

With these considerations in mind, you’re probably better off spending Valentine’s Day with an actual human being, or that crazy, loveable cat of yours. Silly Fluffkins.