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How Would They Have Scored: Captain America: Civil War

By the time this article is published, it’ll surely be outdated. Another superhero movie will have come along and captivated the tiny Jason Bey-Humunculus in all of us; in fact, I’ll consider myself lucky if I get this out before said sequel goes to DVD.

But today, while it’s still relevant, it is imperative that we consider – nay, interrogate – one controversial element of the most recent installment of the Marvel franchise. No, I don’t mean the psychological implications of representing a waning international hegemon as a reincarnated WWII veteran; nor the implausibility of Scarlett Johansson taking a backseat to Chris Evans.

I mean: who would be the victor in a battle transported from the Marvel multi-verse to the Blueprint LSAT classroom? Team Iron Man? Or Team Captain America? A squad guided under the lackadaisical yet inspired leadership of an analytical mastermind, in Tony Stark? Or would a tireless, puritan, pre-Baby-Boomer American work ethic prevail? Would Paul Rudd be too high to trudge through Reading Comprehension, or would Ant Man do what’s best for the colony? And what of Black Panther, the dark horse (a dangerous pun?) of the super-schism?

Iron Man: Score 180. Tony Stark is like Elon Musk on brain steroids, if there is such a thing. He may be a hothead and incapable of sitting down to study, but he doesn’t need to. Admire him. Fear him. But don’t underestimate him.

Captain America: Score 165. Captain America is part of The Greatest Generation. He’s no dummy, but he gets where he is with a lot of elbow grease and slogging it out. He started out on his first practice exam at a 135, btw.

Black Widow: Score withdrawn. Black Widow broke into LSAC headquarters in order to steal the answers to the exam. Smart move? No, LSAC found out and swapped out exams. Because she had every right answer to the stolen exam, she was caught.

Hawkeye: Score 130. If you can’t shoot it with an arrow, Hawkeye is stumped. The LSAT is impervious to arrows.

We’ve left a few for you. Black Panther? Antman? Comment below!