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Why the LSAT is a Terrible Valentine

It’s brainy, articulate, and financially successful, but don’t be fooled — the LSAT is a crappy valentine. So, though Valentine’s Day be a product of the Hallmark corporation that no one really enjoys, it’s still probably better to spend it with an actual human being than your LSAT studies.

Don’t believe us? Here are five reasons why the LSAT will make a subpar date on February 14th.

1. The LSAT won’t make you feel pretty
At the start of your date, the LSAT will ask to see your photo ID and a horribly bland recent passport photo of you. No matter how gussied up you get for the big date, the LSAT will only care how you look in the fluorescent lighting of these somber bureaucratic snapshots.

2. The LSAT is an expensive date
The LSAT will make you pay no less than $165 for the mere privilege of sitting with it. If that doesn’t make you feel dirty, well…

3. The LSAT is a poor conversationalist
During your date, the LSAT will dominate conversation by showing off its knowledge of 19th century British feminists and medieval marriage practices. And you can’t just pretend to listen to its lengthy explication of Navajo weaving, because when it’s done explaining, the LSAT will demand that you repeat its main point and a few choice details. On top of that, it will make you swear in writing to never to repeat anything it says to another living person.

4. The LSAT is not a foodie
Nothing spells romance like Gatorade, a banana, and an energy bar. There will be no Chez Panisse if you link arms with the LSAT on Valentine’s Day. Your culinary delight will be restricted to whatever you can fit inside of a Ziploc bag.

5. The LSAT only has one thing on its mind
You guessed it… logic. While you’re innocently describing the hilarious shenanigans your cat gets into, the LSAT will be analyzing your every word for rational consistency. “Hasty generalization,” it will think to itself, as you politely thank it for the wonderful date.

With these considerations in mind, you’re probably better off spending Valentine’s Day with an actual human being, or at least a more forgiving exam. Maybe Seventeen?

A version of this article was originally published on February 14th, 2014.