The Logical Rose-ning Section: Your Recap of The Bachelorette, Episode 5
- Jun 28, 2017
Rachel Lindsay is a practicing attorney who once took the LSAT. And you, dear reader, are an aspiring attorney who will soon take the LSAT. Rachel Lindsay is also an aspiring married person, serving as the Bachelorette on this season of The Bachelorette, the love story these depraved times deserve. And you, dear reader, may also be an aspiring married person? Either way, you definitely have at least a few things in common with Rachel. So every Tuesday (edit: and/or Wednesday), we’re going to be tracking Rachel’s romantic journey on The Bachelorette, and see what we can learn about love, loss, and the LSAT. Welcome back to the Logical Rose-ning Section.
Last time: We got a lot of racially charged bickering between Lee and like every contestant who didn’t share his complexion, making for a particularly uncomfortable two hours of television that overshadowed the, say, blimp-bound one-on-one with Dean where he pretended to be afraid of heights (a claim that we at Most Strongly Supported believe was full of hot air) (sorry). Anyway, the most important part was the “Next time on,” when they told us that we’d be getting two episodes—4 hours (!)—of The Bachelorette. Look, ABC and Warner Bros. Production, I don’t want to tell you how to run your television show (though perhaps someone should). But I’ve written like 10,000 words on this season already and even I think this is too much Bachelorette. Let’s scale back.
So this week, we got an amount of content that would make even Fyodor Dostoyevsky blush, so we’re just gonna do a quick hit on every section of this week’s four hour bonanza of The Bachelorette.
Spelling Bee Group Date
We’re somehow start this episode still on the spelling bee group date from last year, where Kenny and Lee are really getting into it. While those guys are getting into a racially-charged debate, Bryan is offering Rachel bon mots like, “I feel like … If you think I’m too good to be true for you, and if I think you’re too good to be true for me … and I thought about it and you know, I think it’s a very simple solution. We’re the perfect match.” Rachel digs that Bryan uses his time in the house to make equivocal arguments and not fixate on the other cases, and awards Bryan with the group date rose.
Kenny, in ostensibly congratulating Bryan, gives Lee the least sub-by subtweet of all time when he commends Bryan for doing it the “right way” and not “snaking any dudes.” “It’s very important, not being a bitch-ass dude,” Kenny concludes. Even Lee’s lizardy brain can figure out Kenny’s intent and the two cuss a lot. This only gets us like 15 minutes into the episode.
One-on-One Date with Jack Stone
After the drama with Kenny and Lee in the group date, Rachel settles into a one-on-one date with Jack Stone who, as we learn during this date, is the most boring dude in the world. “Jack and I have a lot in common. We’re both attorneys. We’re both around the same age. We both live in Dallas,” Rachel says with all the conviction of a prospect-less 37 year-old psyching herself up for a Tinder date with guy whose profile prominently features a MAGA hat. Rachel, though, is very much not a prospect-less woman. She’s got nothing but prospects right now. Like 15 prospects at this point.
We’ll never know why the producers insisted on calling Jack Stone “Jack Stone,” when they didn’t give anyone else the full name treatment and when there aren’t any other Jacks here. But we will be able to figure out why Jack got the boot on this date. The date could not have gone worse for Jack Stone, who has a manic, crazy-eyed vibe and delusional ideas about how well the date is going.
I don’t know what Jack Stone did to piss off the producers, but their wrath is on display throughout this date. Over the course of this date, the producers keep juxtaposing his confidence in the date against Rachel’s obvious disinterest. Their complete lack of chemistry even bores the camera guy, who seems to get like drunk on the job, winding up with perfect shots like this.
The producers then show Jack Stone awkwardly kissing Rachel. Like really awkwardly. Like enough to make you never want to try to kiss anyone ever again. In his confessional, he admits to “falling for Rachel,” and his look of absolute obliviousness is held for forty beats too long.
But most of this is Jack’s fault, turning this into a 10-minute televisual face palm emoji. Rachel admits to wanting to see his passion. He starts talking about her dad’s sense of humor … dude.
Rachel asks where Jack would take her if they were back in Dallas. Jack’s first thought is to take her back to his apartment, “lock the door,” and lay in bed and talk. That, somehow, did not appeal to Rachel, who finally decides to put Jack and all of us out of our misery by sending Jack home. Jack walks directly into the Harbor River, sinking to the bottom to live with the stingrays and loggerhead turtles of the island.
Rachel displays an absolute ruthlessness in the cutting guys this week, starting with the first of three rose ceremonies this episode. Despite half these guys being palpably thirsty for more time with Rachel, Rachel decides to forgo the cocktail party, and go straight to the ceremonial beheading of the contestants unworthy of her time or affection.
Eric, Peter, Adam, Will (who gets a catchphrase going, saying “I Will [accept this rose]”), Matt (who is a guy that’s been on this show, apparently), Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Lee get roses, joining Dean and Bryan, who were already sitting pretty with the date roses.
This means that Iggy and Jonathan are sent packing. Jonathan assaults Rachel one last time by tickling her on his way out. I guess making tickling your brand isn’t the best way to find a wife. Iggy realizes he should have spent less time with guy drama and more time with Rachel. Iggy and Jonathan are then sent to the nearby set of Gullah Gullah Island, where they will be forced to satisfy the sensual proclivities of Binyah Binyah Polliwog for the rest of their days.
After the ceremony, Rachel announces they’re heading to Oslo. Who of these guys could tell us offhand that Oslo is in Norway? I think Will, Anthony, Josiah, and maybe Dean would actually know that without the aid of Wikipedia. Anyway, the guys get excited for Norway, the land of the Lillehammer Olympics (and forgotten Netflix series of the same name), smoked salmon, and the good wood that inspired a Beatles song about a disturbed arsonist who gets so angry at a woman for going to bed early that he sets her house on fire.
Which of these guys are Oslo in Rachel’s estimation, and which of these guys are Norway in danger of going home? Onto the land of cured fish, cross-country skiing, and democratic socialism to find out.
One-on-One Date with Bryan
Upon meeting the guys in Scandanavia, Rachel gives the boys the most adorable Young M.A. “OOOOUUUU” shout out, and then gives Bryan the first one-on-one date card.
Dean, feeling himself way too much despite wearing a ripped pink sweater, declares that he wouldn’t be surprised if Bryan didn’t return.
Bryan and Rachel have the romantic date of repelling down the Holmenkollbakken Olympic ski jump. Rachel, experienced attorney and/or apparent Snoop fan, notes the coincidence that it’s 187 feet high—the California Penal Code statute for murder. Is she saying that that she feels like the producers are trying to murder her? Is she planning on murdering Bryan? The whole affair seemed pretty safe, the closest thing to murder being pretty unflattering angle the producers use to film Rachel and Bryan’s descent.
Rachel opens up to Bryan about insecurities about not feeling pretty growing up next to her sister. Bryan does the same, referencing his awkward high school days. Bryan becomes the first guy to drop the “falling in love with you” bomb. Rachel seems taken aback, but gives him the rose nonetheless.
Handball Group Date
Adam, Dean, Anthony, Piggo, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, and Josiah get invited to a group date, leaving Kenny and Lee for their inevitable two-on-one.
The dudes play the Olympic-version handball, which is a bit different than the handball game the cool kids in the third grade wouldn’t let me play. Rachel calls handball a combination of football, basketball, and water polo, despite the fact that there’s no contact or water. Handball is basically swaggerless basketball, but it’s kind of cool because it involves jumping and throwing things very hard.
The guys split up in the red team and blue team to play. Rachel joins the red team. Piggo clearly a fouls Rachel when he tries to sneak in a little grab-action during the course of play. The referees, clearly not as familiar Rule 8.2 (b) of the International Handball Federations Rules of the Game as some astute viewers, let this clear foul (and potential display of sexual harassment) slide.
Will is apparently a bona fide handball savage, and gets a not-totally-undeserved comparison to Jordan in the ‘97 Finals from Rachel. The U.S. has never medaled in handball in the Olympics, but this might change once Will joins the national team.
Afterwards, at the polet portion of the date, Will further confides in Rachel about past loves lost, and gets some kysee time with Rachel. Alex macks on Rachel with a handwritten letter and Matt sews lyrics on a purple sheet, which Rachel seems to dig. Josiah, however, gets a little intense, discussing how Rachel’s beauty “emanates from [her] core” and talks about how she is the woman of his dreams. Rachel is taken aback about how disingenuous this all seems. We’re taken aback by extreme Josiah face.
Piggo the Perceptive impresses her by reading her eye contact. He gets some exclusive one-on-one hot tub action with Rachel, despite the aforementioned handball foul.
Will gets the group date rose. He again says “I absolutely Will” accept the offered rose. Cool catchphrase, dude.
Two-on-One Date with Kenny and Lee
The nadir of this four-hour marathon is this two-on-one date with Kenny and Lee. We’re reminded of the rules: Two guys, one rose, loser goes home. Look, Kenny and Lee argue a bunch. Lee appears to lie a whole bunch. He lies about Kenny dragging him out of a van (something the producers never showed us, even though they probably would have spent 17 hours on it if it actually happened), about Kenny admitting to having a “dark side” when he drinks, about Kenny threatening him during the date (which may have happened—most of what Kenny said was censored in his discussions with Lee), about telling Rachel that Kenny threatened him. Lee, look into how cameras work, man.
Kenny “wins” this date and Lee is thankfully sent packing. Who are these two-on-one dates for though? They’re never as “explosive” as the promos promise, so the audience doesn’t win. The Bachelor or Bachelorette never seem to have any fun on it. The winner of the two-on-one never actually wins the whole thing. Kenny at this point is basically the Utah Jazz upsetting the LA Clippers. Moral victory and he lives to see the next day, but he’s still facing an inevitable drubbing by the Golden State Warriors in the next round.
In our second of three rose ceremonies, Rachel gives Dean, Eric, Piggo, Alex, Adam, and Matt roses, who join the aforementioned Will. Anthony (whom I had pegged as a real contender) and Josiah are sent packing home.
Anthony handles it with class, and Josiah … does not. “Something wrong with her brain,” noted neurologist Josiah notes. Josiah proceeds to calls out Alex for being a KGB agent (Alex is Russian) and Adam (who brought a doll named Adam Jr.) for bringing a “Michael Myers” doll (which, to be fair, is the only trait we’ve learned about Adam thus far).
Rachel announces they’re then taking a jaunt south to Copenhagen, Denmark, where the producers decide to let their pun game really fly.
One-on-One Date with Eric
The first date card in Copenhagen read “I’m cOPEN to love.” Eric, whose constant need of attention and affirmation is more or less his defining personality trait, is given this attention and affirmation via this one-on-one date.
Rachel pulls up in a boat on the Nyhavn canal, a body of water large enough to quench the immense thirst Eric feels at all times. They cruise down the canal and recite interesting facts about the waterfront houses like “sailors used to live in the houses here.” They then go to like a hot tub bar where a guy exposes his little Hamlet, and then to an amusement park, which we’re told is the second-most visited amusement park in the world. Honestly, it looks a little basic to my American eyes. Denmark, your citizens may be happier and more educated than ours, you may have one of the best restaurants in the world, but you’re still not on our level, theme park-wise. At dinner, where two enormous burgers sit untouched and uneaten, Eric opens up about not receiving a love from his mother, which affected his ability to accept love in romantic relationships. He gets a rose, which he seems more than willing to accept.
Viking Group Date
Dean, Kenny, Matt, Adam, and Piggo are the contestants on the next group date. “I’ve taken a Viking to you,” the date card reads. The producers are just on fire with the date card puns this episode.
The dudes go to a big field where they act like Vikings. Upon arrival, the Danish Viking reenactor says, “They don’t really look like Vikings,” problematically. They do some Viking stuff to find out who is the best Viking, I guess. They row a big boat and sword fight. Kenny, whose eye gash has been teased for like five weeks now and was suggested to be a product of Lee, gets a cut when battling with Adam in the finals of the Vikings games. Kenny nonetheless wins the match, and become the Viking Champion, an oxymoron to anyone in the greater Minneapolis area.
At the cocktail party, Bryan and Piggo have a handsome-off. Rachel is positively smitten with both. Matt appears to be drinking a spritzer while wearing a shabby brown polo. He spends all the time with Rachel talking about Kenny. How is this guy still on? Speaking of Kenny, the dude deteriorates on this date—he doesn’t think the relationship has grown at the rate the other guys’ have, he is missing his daughter, and he is sporting a Nelly band-aid on his face 15 years after its expiration date. Rachel strongly suggests that he should good home to be with his daughter, and he obliges. Kenny, you may have been embroiled in the dumb Lee stuff for weeks now, but I’ll nonetheless miss you. Shouts to you and doting dads everywhere.
Piggo gets the group date rose. Bryan takes this news really well.
One-on-One with Will
Finally, we have a one-on-one date with Will. “Will you be my Swedey,” the card reads. Double pun! The two take a quick day trip to Helsingborg, Sweden, where Will’s lack of physical intimacy leaves Rachel colder than a winter’s night in Gothenburg. During the date, Will slowly transforms back into Urkel. It’s rough. Rachel drops the “I think you’re so great, so amazing, but …” Will does not get the rose. He absolutely Will not be seeing Rachel anymore.
Finally, after what was four hours of The Bachelorette (but felt like at least fifteen), we get to the third of three rose ceremonies. Rachel has been tossing guys out like uneaten lutefisk this week, but she claims this will be the hardest goodbye she had to say.
Bryan, Matt, Dean, and Adam get the roses, joining Eric. Alex, wearing the inexcusable high-school-sophomore-at-the-homecoming-dance look with a black suit, black shirt and solid pink tie, is sent packing.
Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted. Four hours is a long time. But guess what, that’s how long the LSAT is. If you could make it through this absolute grind of an episode, the LSAT will be no prob for you.
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