A. The best of both worlds: Man breaks electric skateboard speed record and eats asphalt in the process. Rolling Stone
B. Mars, our wacky red neighbor, had such powerful volcanic eruptions around 2.1 million years ago that it tipped the planet on its side. When reached for comment, Mars said, “Too much Taco Bell, broseph.” IFL Science
C. In oh-so-that’s-why-everyone-hates-lawyers news, the lawyers in a class action lawsuit against sandwich chain Subway took home more than 99% of the settlement of the suit. Dayton Daily News
D. In more Subway news, Jared of Subway has been in the slammer (for having sex with minors) for only 3 months and has already gained 30 pounds. We really hope he’s too fat to get through the door when his 16-year sentence is up. Gawker
E. Broken Heart Syndrome is really a thing, and, in a supremely ironic twist, it’s sometimes caused by happiness. Mental Floss
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