So this week I bring you a list of advice on a subject I really have no business talking about: dating. In particular, dating for law students. Now, largely I agree with Trent that law students are an unnecessarily whiney bunch. Except when it comes to dating. Dating in law school really sucks. We aren’t exaggerating.

Somehow, in the romantic caste system, it seems that law students are the untouchables, subject to the scorn of everyone else and relegated to only dating each other. And since law school is pretty much exactly like high school, dating each other is ultimately a really bad idea. Which puts us in a pretty awkward position. So this week I do my best to serve humanity, by offering my own advice in the hopes that someday, somehow, Law School Land will not have to be such an abyss of dating terror.

1) We are adults now; it’s time for real dates.

Ladies: I understand that, once upon a time, a frat brother cutting to the front of the Jungle Juice line to make sure you got your sugar, water and Everclear concoction before everyone else was considered an exceedingly sweet gesture. In the “Definitions of Dating: College Edition” it falls somewhere between where a third date and meeting the parents would in the real world.

And boys: I understand that, after such a display, the gentleman caller in question would have felt perfectly justified in assuming he had discharged his romantic overture duties effectively, and would probably at least get a tongue in his mouth within an hour or two.

Alas, we are not in undergrad anymore. Sure, we may not quite be in the real world either, but I think we’ve progressed far enough that hanging out at the local bar from midnight to two AM and telling slurred stories of that time you tried to fit yourself into the dryer doesn’t really count as romance.

So make a reservation, go out somewhere. Have a drink or two, but aim for a night of coherent conversation, not a near black out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that anyone should get a free meal; it’s perfectly fine to split the bill (after all, we don’t actually have jobs yet). I also understand that, sometimes, you aren’t interested in anything more than trying to sneak out of someone else’s apartment before they wake up the next morning. But if you are thinking there is even a chance that this someone could be your special someone, then take that next step.

2) Don’t talk about how much money you are going to make “one day”.

Seriously. Even if the person you are going out with is not a law student, and has no idea what a “big” deal Big Law lawyers are. This is the single most douchebaggy thing you can possibly do on a date. Even if you are actually making good money, bringing your income up during a date is always risky. But tenuous tales of how you intend to make oodles of money at some undefined point in the future? Not a good idea.

3) Don’t use Latin phrases.

Not even one. It doesn’t matter if you are out with another law student, who doesn’t want to hear it, or someone who doesn’t go to law school, who won’t get it. Either way, the person you are with is not going to enjoy that story of the time you were on a de facto interview. Nor will they appreciate that this was a prima facie case of attraction. And (sorry Morgan) but even jokes about the ex parte in your pants are more likely to earn you a distasteful look then hearty laugh. So just stick to English. Unless, of course, you actually know a sexy language, like Italian. In that case, tu puoi bisbigliare a me nienti dolci italiani tutta la notte.

And there you have my three biggest pieces of law school dating advice. I would give more, but as I said, I’m not exactly the world’s expert on the subject. Hopefully, though, my word will spread far and wide and maybe, just maybe, our children and our children’s children will not have to face the same dreary world of this generation. Let us dream the impossible dream.