So this week I continue with my glorious little tidbits to give you a taste of what awaits you in the legal world. Last week I shared with you some information about what you can expect in Civil Procedure, Torts and Criminal Law and this week I continue with the next three: Contracts, Property and Constitutional Law.

Contracts

So the best thing about contracts is that you don’t ever have to actually go, since I’m going to give you the entire course right here and now.

First, you are going to learn about some dude who, thanks to some horrible surgical mistake, has a deformed and hairy hand. This case will be forever referred to as the Hairy Hand Case, and you will never actually remember the holding, since your memory will be completely filled with visions of a deformed wolverine claw. Contracts is now one-third done.

Next you are going to learn about two ships, both named Peerless. People get confused, lies are potentially told, deliveries will be missed, merchants will be pissed. People will use the phrase, “Like two ships passing in the night”, and you will never decide if that line is actually in the case or in some Beatles song or something. Either way, you are now two-thirds done.

Finally you are going to learn the very sad case of the Peevyhouses, who not only have an unfortunate surname, but there are gaping holes covering their farm. It’s very tragic. And you can see it on Google Maps. But you can also be happy, because you’ve just completed a contracts class.

How can I be so sure that you have amply learned all you need to be a successful contract lawyer? Well, from these cases you will slowly but surely learn the most important lesson of both contracts, and law school in general: courts do whatever the f’ they want. Congrats on saving 270K.

Property

Although the name of this class sounds pretty self explanatory, property doesn’t only have to do with things like plots of land or intangible intellectual ideas (although those are part) but it’s also where you will learn about wills and trusts and all the other things that you always assumed that Esquires could take care off.

In practice, this class is pretty much the step-child of law school, and the one class where you are very likely to run into the exact same cases and ideas that you’ve already learned about in other classes. Except this time you are going to learn it with some really fancy vocabulary, and thus will be able to impress Grandma at Thanksgiving.

Added benefit, you’ll know how to write Grandma’s will so that you get the sweetest deal when she kicks it.

And finally…

Constitutional Law

So as you make your final decision about whether or not you want to go to law school, I’m going to give you a hint. If you don’t find the Supreme Court fascinating, law is probably a bad idea.

Now, to be sure, I am not saying that you need to think that the Supreme Court is awesome. You don’t even have to think it’s positive or effective. But if you are not interested in reading the opinions written by those nine kids, then you may want to rethink your game plan, because it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be all that happy in law school.

Supreme Court opinions are awesome for a number of reasons. For starters, most of the time they are well written. Although there are exceptions, the majority of people who make it to the highest court of the land know how to write, and know how to write well. Lower court cases sometimes sound like they are written by Colin Elzie, or someone equally tragic, and by the end you want to gouge your eyes out. If nothing else, this is less common in Supreme Court Cases.

Far more important, though, is that the Supreme Court is the only court that really can do what they want. Sure, they have to pay some homage to past court decisions, but if the court wants something to happen, they are going to find a way. And if one justice doesn’t agree with the others, that’s going to be made clear also. Finally, the Supreme Court always seems to get to hear the most interesting cases. All those legal decisions that have affected every part of our lives as Americans have been reviewed by the Supreme Court: segregation, abortion, gender equality, etc. Long story short, if you don’t find reading heated logic gymnastics about some of the most interesting issues this country has ever seen fascinating, then you are looking into the wrong future.

And there you have it. The six classes you are most likely to have next year, and the reasons why you’ll love or hate them. Just one more contribution as you make those decisions that will, quite literally, affect the rest of your life.

Thank me later.