I am bad at Halloween. You see, I always have a number of decent costume ideas, but I’m sorely lacking in the execution arena. Generally, I end up searching through the back of my closet for random remnants left over from my college years. A pink boa? Sure. Skin-tight, blue snakeskin shirt? Why not. And a tutu to top things off? Done. I normally end up looking like I recently escaped from a mental institution.

If you are in the midst of studying for the LSAT right now, I would imagine that you are in a similar position. You just don’t have the time to piece together a good costume when you’re trying to diagram an “unless” statement.

Well, here is an idea: go as yourself. Go as an LSAT student.

Here is how it should work:

Attire

Begin with an adult diaper. If that crazy lady could drive across the country wearing one, you damn well aren’t going to interrupt your studies for any bathroom breaks.

Check out this shirt. I can’t imagine someone actually took the time to mass produce such a thing, but I am ordering one right now. This pairs great with the diaper.

In terms of accessories, I would recommend hanging a library card around your neck. Also, a fanny pack is essential for holding your pencils, erasers, and personal items. And it looks really cool.

Round out your outfit with some actual test materials. Take a couple scantrons and a few pages from your favorite LSAT books and staple them all over your clothes. This will add an air of authenticity.

(Note: I know that there are some girls out there with the urge to put a “slutty” twist on every costume for Halloween. For you, just skip the shirt and tape an LSAT question over each boob. This will also give boys a tremendous excuse to look at your breasts during the evening. “Why are you upset? I am just studying.”)

Personal Hygiene

This is where you can really shine. If you are currently studying for the LSAT, chances are that you are falling behind in this area already.

You should resist showering for at least three days before Halloween. By the big day, you should smell like a wet towel that has been simmering under the seat of a pickup truck in 95-degree heat for a couple weeks.

Blood shot eyes are also a must. The closer to this, the better your costume will turn out. If you have gotten a decent amount of sleep lately, just squirt some vinegar into your eyes.

(Disclaimer: please do not actually squirt any liquids into your eyes.)

You should also really try to convey the stress that comes along with this test. Take some blue powder and wipe it under each nostril. This will replicate the Adderall habits that so many LSAT students pick up along the way. I mean, come on, who has time for sleep?

(Disclaimer: please do not actually develop a drug habit while studying for the LSAT.)

Everyone should cease shaving for weeks leading up to this event. Guys, you should be rocking true Grizzly Adams-esque facial hair. Ladies, the same type of covering should be poking out of the sides of your diaper and continuing all the way down those lovely legs of yours. Oh, and definitely lay off the eyebrow maintenance. A unibrow would only add to the effect.

Conversation

Here is where you can really spotlight the level of dementia and social isolation that comes with studying for the LSAT.

First, butt into conversations with random tidbits of information that you have learned during the course of your studies. Here are some of my personal favorites:

“Leatherbacks are the largest of the sea turtles.”
“Macaque monkeys are not complete captives to their genetic heritage.”
“There is no evolutionary explanation for the continuing presence of pheromones in humans.”
“The Koch curve has wide-ranging implications for mathematical theory.”
“U.S. courts have become more likely to accept oral evidence in land claim suits.”

First, people will start to look at you in bewilderment. As that look of wonder and curiosity turns to anger, it is time for the big finish. You should then wander off into a corner at least ten feet from anyone else. At this point, you should begin to shake violently, stare at the ceiling and yell out “contrapositive” about every 30 seconds or so.

As soon as people begin to ask you if you are alright, that is when you know… the costume has been a success.