I don’t think I can bring myself to write some perfunctory intro paragraph (for a variety of reasons beginning with not even being able to find the energy to use both of my hands to type, and thus desiring to use an economy of words), but that’s ok because after doing extensive market research, I finally figured out what you’ve all been wanting to hear about: other things known as the El Ess A Tee and acronyms that kind of sound similar. So without any further pomp (or circumstance), I give you “The Other LSATs.”

LSAT: Lightweight Small Arms Technologies
Founded in 2005, this is a US military program whose goal is to reduce the weight of small arms and their ammo. Which is great, because I don’t know about you, but I’ve always found the hardest part about shooting people is holding your arms up for so long. There is even the LSAT Light Machine Gun and the LSAT Rifle. Try to bring that in your one-gallon Ziploc bag! (Disclaimer: under no circumstances should you try to bring, carry, own, or look at anything deadlier than a Q-Tip.)

LSAT: Linux Security Auditing Tool
Apparently it is a tool that audits the security of your Linux-based system. I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I used to work in a bookstore, and Linux books were really popular. They were generally purchased by bespectacled men in their 50s who had copious amounts of facial hair. I remember there were also funny names for other types of Linux, such as Red Hat. And the covers always looked so fun. I can still remember how disappointed I was when I learned that there were no actual pictures of hats, red or otherwise.

lsat: Low Oxygen Saturation Level
Oxygen Saturation Levels are often referred to as “sats,” with low ones sometimes being called “lsats.” This happens from having an oxygen saturation level of lower than 90%. Which can be caused emphysema. Which is generally caused by smoking. And the acute desire to smoke can definitely be caused by studying for the LSAT. Thus, the LSAT can be a causal factor in lsats.

OLSAT: Otis-Lennon School Ability Test
This is sort of like the LSAT for kids (which, yes, should be considered child-abuse). The OLSAT tests abstract thinking and reasoning in kids and teenagers. If you were ever in a “gifted and talented” program, you may have taken this (you also may have just been over-mothered). It’s published by Pearson, which also publishes the Beck Hopelessness Scale. A good way to get a high score on it is to not study for the LSAT.

El Satán
The devil in Spanish, I think. I don’t know if it sounds like LSAT when you pronounce it, but I bet it does. Sound it out. “LSAT–an.” Coincidence???

LSTA: Louisiana Science Teachers Association
They have a very nice pelican on their website. Also they have something called an “E-Blast,” which involves just a poorly-designed website rather than dancing and glow sticks. I’m guessing these guys have semi-annual mixers with the writers of the LSAT where they talk about dinosaurs and dark matter and how much they hate joy. I want an e-vite to that party.

LTSA: Linearly Tapered Slot Antenna
Nobody gives a shit what that is, but I needed to fill out the list.

SLAT
Large wooden board, usually used to keep your bed up. Can also be used to strike yourself in the head after 17 hours of LSAT study.

LOST
A hugely overrated show. I don’t know why I keep watching it, it’s such garbage.